Tuesday, January 29, 2013


(Photo Credit)
A few days ago, I started following a blog by Lea, its called Running For Dummies. She posted a transparency challenge, a what are you afraid of or what do you hesitate for people to know about you.  Her post can be found here: Running for dummies

In an effort to better understand myself and why I do things, I decided to step up to this challenge.  I think what I am most afraid of is people thinking I am as broken as I think I am.

We all have a history, and we all have baggage.  Some physical, some financial and some emotional.  I think emotional baggage is the worst of all of them.  At the end of the day, I know that it is me that I have to live with.  And often times at the end of the day, I don't like who I see in the mirror.  I still smile everyday and try to be positive but  inwardly I have let my emotional baggage damage me. I am in fact, broken.

In all fairness, I am responsible for my brokenness (well most of it anyway).  They say that people that live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks. I repeatedly, and I do mean repeatedly throw rocks at my own glass house.  I constantly, tell myself that I am not pretty enough, skinny enough...blah, blah, blah...I am not enough.

  Photo Credit
There are many factors that actually went into me being broken in the first place.  The hardest one for me to admit is Domestic Violence.  I was one of those people that swore I would never be in a situation like that.  I would never tolerate someone to treat me that way.  I was wrong! You never really know how you are going to react to a situation until you are in it...and by the time I realized I was in it.  I was stuck.  My ex was not physically abusive, though at times I wonder if that would have been easier to swallow.  Not that I condone physical violence, I just think it might have been easier than the mental racket-ball he played with my head. 

The short version of the story goes.  We met on a online dating site, talked for several months before meeting in person.  He was amazing, kind, gentle and well spoken.  Looking back there were red flags, but I wrote them off and believed what he was telling me.  Once he asked me to marry him, things changed.  He stole my phone, my truck keys...but mostly, he stole my sparkle.  I was so afraid of what he would do if I ended things that I kept in contact.  Eventually, I did call it off (kinda).  I still kept contact, again somehow I felt safer knowing where his mind was.  Throw in some breaking my things, and a few gun incidents....and you have protection orders and us going to trial.

He had a record for violent behavior that I had no idea about.  And while this incident happened in June 2011, we are still waiting to go to trial.  I had high hopes for 2012 being the end of this chapter, it wasn't.  I had anticipated starting 2013 "fresh and sparkly"  that didn't happen.  While we are set for trial this week, I have little faith, it has been pushed out so many times.  

So I guess besides people thinking that I am as broken as I think I am, I don't want to be looked at as a victim. I refuse to be his victim.  It is a struggle everyday, it causes me to emotionally shut down when things get stressful.

In 2013, I will do the Spartan Sprint (which scares me to death). I will no long throw rocks at my house.  I will surround myself with people who build me up, not tear me down.  I will focus on building people up as well.

I know that I will never be the same as I was...but I can be better.  I WILL BE BETTER.