Life

So life has gotten in the way...or not really. I have just not had the heart to write.

I hope to change that over the course of the next few months and have some topics already in mind.  For example, I have a few race reviews.  Also, a few product reviews.  And there will probably be some more posts about death and dying, as this is how I am going to heal and get through the loss of my mom.

Cheated and Angry

I understand that death is a natural part of the life cycle and that we will all eventually die. Some die early in life and others live to be old people...we all do in fact die. My mom always says in life you have no control over being born or dying. Logically, I can wrap my brain around it and I do understand. It doesn't make me feel better or comforted.

As I struggle with the fact that I am losing my mom, I realize I'm a basket of emotions. I'm angry, really angry...like I think I need to find a healthy way to expend the anger so it doesn't consume me. I sat trying to figure out why I was so angry...everyone else in my family seems more upset then angry. Then it hit me...I'm angry because I feel cheated!

On my moms side of the family the women tend to live long lives....surpassing spouses and sometimes children. In 1994 for example we had 6 generations of women. In 1995, when my daughter was born we had 5.

For the past several years we have had a solid 4. My great-great grandmother was 100 when she passed. My great grandmother was in her 80's when she passed. And my grandmother is in her 80's and still very much a part of our lives.  Then we get to my mom, who is on hospice and likely will not make it to her 62nd birthday in October.  

I feel cheated.  I want more time! 

My best friend said today "you could have 1000 years and you would still want more time".  That is the truth.

Don't get me wrong, I do not want my mom to suffer.  She is at peace with the path she's on, and I'm along for the ride.

I am angry and I feel unbelievably cheated. I love her unconditionally. 

Death & Dying

I took a class in college called Death & Dying, or something like that. It feels like a million years or at least a lifetime ago. The professor talked about how death is a natural part of the life cycle and how it is one thing in life we will all experience. He also talked about how the hardest deaths to deal with would be that of a parent, a child or a spouse (significant other).

At the time I was a new mom, had a set of parents and a significant other. I remember thinking how difficult it would be to lose any of them. Oi vey, I couldn't even bare to think about it let alone discuss it with near strangers.

One of the discussions was in theory if you had the choice between your loved one dying unexpectedly or expectedly, which would you choose?

I remember thinking about it and since I had to choose one or the other I chose expectedly.  I figured I would want to know that they would be dying. I thought that would be easier. That way I would have time to spend and the opportunity to say whatever I felt needed to be said.

Well, some years later....I want to kick myself for thinking it would be easier.  

Knowing that your loved one is dying and there is nothing you can do....SUCKS!

Watching your loved one go from a feisty, strong and independent person to one that can't walk down a hall with out being winded....SUCKS!

Sure I get to say all the things I think I need to say. And I do get time, that an unexpected death would not afford.  But I also get to see pain and suffering. The body shutting down slowly and my loved one giving up the fight!

Quite honestly....it SUCKS!

Pictured is not my dying loved one, but it is their favorite flower.

Basically for me dealing with the dying process is a roller coaster ride. One minute I'm ok and want my loved ones suffering to end.  The next I'm angry as all get out and want to scream and yell.

I was told recently that once your loved one passes, no amount of crying will bring them back.  So make sure you love them while they're here.  I COMPLETELY agree with this. 

However, it still SUCKS!!

April Recap

So April was my best month ever with 98.7 fitness miles. I am pretty happy with it.

I rewarded myself with a new tattoo. I got the word "relax". All of my tattoos have personal meaning and this one is no different. I often get so involved in "life" that I forget to relax and enjoy it. So that is my reminder.

May brings some pretty exciting changes in my life. I started a new job on May 1, in the field I went to college for. I reconnected (outside of Facebook) with some ladies from high school. We have a Mud Run coming up on May 18th. And lastly but most preciously my one and only daughter will be 18.

Chin up, Chest out & Attack

Ravensdale Cemetery

This one is near to my heart, though this was my first visit. I grew up out in Ravensdale and had looked for the cemetery a few times through the years....never with any success.

During my teenage years there were talks of parties and satanic worships there...but I never actually figured out where.

A few months ago I read an article about it on www.ghosttownsofwashington.com and searched it on www.findagrave.com. Both which are websites I frequent and enjoy immensely.

Finally, this last Sunday I found it. I was both saddened and in awe. The cemetery lies a little off the road in the middle of a newer housing development. From the road you would have no idea there was a cemetery back there.

Findagrave states there are 39 interments buried there, though that seems to be of debate. There are graves but no recognizable names. A sign at the talks of how the cemetery was looted in the 1960's and the headstones were scattered throughout the town. It also talks of the mine explosion in 1915 which pretty much was a catalyst in the collapse of the town.

It was a peaceful setting, though unkept and forgotten by most.

Hot Chocolate 15k/5k

I was both nervous and excited to do this 5k. I mean, who wouldn't get excited for hot chocolate and chocolate fondue? I was pumped.

I should start by stating that I am NOT a "real" runner. I am a walker and a beginning wogger (walking and jogging intervals) but I can not run for any substantial distance. This is where the nervous part kicked in. The race coordinators had strict rules that everyone must maintain a 15 minute mile pace (or be rerouted). So my initial goal (after finishing) was to not be rerouted at all.

I woke up at 4 am, anyone that knows me will realize how amazing that is all in itself. I am not a morning person at all. Met up with my partner in crime for the race and headed to Seattle.

It was chilly outside and the corals to start seemed to take forever to cycle through. I started off jogging, I made it a little over a 1/4 mile (personal best) then moved to a brisk walk. I repeated this pattern for the entire 5k. I finished the race with a time of 50 min, 21 seconds. It's not quite a 15 minute mile, but I was NOT rerouted! Success!

The hot chocolate at the end was worth it...Chin up, Chest out & Attack

March Recap

March was a successful month for me exercise wise. I logged almost 68 miles (a personal best), completed the Seattle Hot Chocolate 5k (without being rerouted...more on that later). I will be doing a race recap separately.

I participated in the "no girly push-ups" challenge and did better than I thought but got hit with a lil depression and fell off at the end.

April is starting strong and I have logged about 15 miles so far. Bought myself some running shoes so I'll be adding more "wogging" this month as well.