My Mom

My mom had been sick for sometime.  I think that our family was partially in denial that such a strong woman could be sick and partially we didn't really know how sick she was.  She would tell us little snippets of information but she had a way of doing it where it didn't seem all that bad. 



March 2013

In March of this year I went to the doctor with my mom.  Hearing from a doctor how sick she was actually made me sick.  At that point my mom had COPD and stage 4 emphysema, there is no cure for that. The doctor explained that there were not many treatment options, actually our only option left was hospice. With our focus shifting from prolonging life to making sure she was as comfortable as possible during the transition.
 We left the doctors office and she asked me how I was feeling, and I responded with "I'm fucking angry".  That was the truth, I was angry.   I wrote about how I felt cheated and angry previously, you can find that post here Cheated and Angry. 

Over the next few months we talked a lot about what was going to happen and I watched the strongest woman I know get sicker and sicker. We joked about death and other things that many people would find not appropriate for the situation  (and I am totally fine with this). We debated about ghosts vs. spirits, heaven and other random topics. What was coming still wasn't "real".

In May I stopped by my parents house on my way to a mud run and my mom asked me "do you want to be here when I die?"  I responded with "Are you serious? What kind of question is that?" and we left it at that for a few days.  My mom had expressed that she didn't want anyone to be around when she passed, and I then expressed how I didn't think I could live with myself if I wasn't there.  But in the back of my head it still wasn't real. 

June and July she continued to decline.  We talked almost everyday on the phone and I came out to see her.  She was dying and there was nothing I could do but standby and watch.  She had asked me several months ago to put together a slide show for at her memorial.  I agreed, then she said she wanted me to do it before she died, so she would know what we were watching. I was in shock and I told her exactly how morbid I thought that was.  I put it off as long as I could, I think in my mind if I did it, it was real. My mom was going to die.

I kept coming up with reasons why not to do it and why she couldn't die "yet".  We talked about death candidly.  I expressed my anger, hurt and fear.  Then we sat down and started listening to songs.  She picked out ones she liked and decided which ones she wanted in her slideshow.  I finally finished the "rough" draft of the slide show in July.  We watched it together, and I cried.  She told me there was no reason to cry, as she would be waiting for me in heaven.

My mom took a turn for the worse at the beginning of August, a few days after she celebrated 36 years being married to my dad.  I got the call and immediately rushed to her.  For the next few weeks, it was up and down.  We knew she was dying, and we struggled to be ok with it.  I spent every moment I could with her and it never felt like enough.  I was exhausted, upset and I was still angry.  I knew it was close to the end and she tried to remain strong for us right up until the end.

On August 21, 2013 at 9:40pm my mom passed away. She died peacefully at home with my dad, her brother and myself by her side.  



Over the past few months, I became closer to my mom then I had been in a lot of years.  I will forever be thankful for that.  There is nothing as precious as time.  Hug your loved ones and don't let a day go by that they don't know how much you care.

Cheated and Angry

I understand that death is a natural part of the life cycle and that we will all eventually die. Some die early in life and others live to be old people...we all do in fact die. My mom always says in life you have no control over being born or dying. Logically, I can wrap my brain around it and I do understand. It doesn't make me feel better or comforted.

As I struggle with the fact that I am losing my mom, I realize I'm a basket of emotions. I'm angry, really angry...like I think I need to find a healthy way to expend the anger so it doesn't consume me. I sat trying to figure out why I was so angry...everyone else in my family seems more upset then angry. Then it hit me...I'm angry because I feel cheated!

On my moms side of the family the women tend to live long lives....surpassing spouses and sometimes children. In 1994 for example we had 6 generations of women. In 1995, when my daughter was born we had 5.

For the past several years we have had a solid 4. My great-great grandmother was 100 when she passed. My great grandmother was in her 80's when she passed. And my grandmother is in her 80's and still very much a part of our lives.  Then we get to my mom, who is on hospice and likely will not make it to her 62nd birthday in October.  

I feel cheated.  I want more time! 

My best friend said today "you could have 1000 years and you would still want more time".  That is the truth.

Don't get me wrong, I do not want my mom to suffer.  She is at peace with the path she's on, and I'm along for the ride.

I am angry and I feel unbelievably cheated. I love her unconditionally. 

Death & Dying

I took a class in college called Death & Dying, or something like that. It feels like a million years or at least a lifetime ago. The professor talked about how death is a natural part of the life cycle and how it is one thing in life we will all experience. He also talked about how the hardest deaths to deal with would be that of a parent, a child or a spouse (significant other).

At the time I was a new mom, had a set of parents and a significant other. I remember thinking how difficult it would be to lose any of them. Oi vey, I couldn't even bare to think about it let alone discuss it with near strangers.

One of the discussions was in theory if you had the choice between your loved one dying unexpectedly or expectedly, which would you choose?

I remember thinking about it and since I had to choose one or the other I chose expectedly.  I figured I would want to know that they would be dying. I thought that would be easier. That way I would have time to spend and the opportunity to say whatever I felt needed to be said.

Well, some years later....I want to kick myself for thinking it would be easier.  

Knowing that your loved one is dying and there is nothing you can do....SUCKS!

Watching your loved one go from a feisty, strong and independent person to one that can't walk down a hall with out being winded....SUCKS!

Sure I get to say all the things I think I need to say. And I do get time, that an unexpected death would not afford.  But I also get to see pain and suffering. The body shutting down slowly and my loved one giving up the fight!

Quite honestly....it SUCKS!

Pictured is not my dying loved one, but it is their favorite flower.

Basically for me dealing with the dying process is a roller coaster ride. One minute I'm ok and want my loved ones suffering to end.  The next I'm angry as all get out and want to scream and yell.

I was told recently that once your loved one passes, no amount of crying will bring them back.  So make sure you love them while they're here.  I COMPLETELY agree with this. 

However, it still SUCKS!!