Monday, July 8, 2013

Cheated and Angry

I understand that death is a natural part of the life cycle and that we will all eventually die. Some die early in life and others live to be old people...we all do in fact die. My mom always says in life you have no control over being born or dying. Logically, I can wrap my brain around it and I do understand. It doesn't make me feel better or comforted.

As I struggle with the fact that I am losing my mom, I realize I'm a basket of emotions. I'm angry, really I think I need to find a healthy way to expend the anger so it doesn't consume me. I sat trying to figure out why I was so angry...everyone else in my family seems more upset then angry. Then it hit me...I'm angry because I feel cheated!

On my moms side of the family the women tend to live long lives....surpassing spouses and sometimes children. In 1994 for example we had 6 generations of women. In 1995, when my daughter was born we had 5.
For the past several years we have had a solid 4. My great-great grandmother was 100 when she passed. My great grandmother was in her 80's when she passed. And my grandmother is in her 80's and still very much a part of our lives.  Then we get to my mom, who is on hospice and likely will not make it to her 62nd birthday in October.  

I feel cheated.  I want more time! 

My best friend said today "you could have 1000 years and you would still want more time".  That is the truth.

Don't get me wrong, I do not want my mom to suffer.  She is at peace with the path she's on, and I'm along for the ride.

I am angry and I feel unbelievably cheated. I love her unconditionally. 

No comments:

Post a Comment